Today was one of the worst days I have had in a long while. It started innocently enough, with me working on getting documents prepared to send over to the translator (very close friend) for my husband’s immigration waivers. Unfortunately, it took longer than planned and by the time I was done, I had to start working.
Fighting and arguing ensued amongst the entire household before long, including my husband and I. Yes, we argue, we don’t always see eye to eye, which is fine. I don’t expect perfection in my marriage because well, no one is perfect. Anyways, things just seemed to go downhill from there. Today was my terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day.
You see, I was diagnosed bipolar when I was a teenager and have gone without medication for many years. When I am not stressed, or I don’t have too much on my plate, I seem completely normal. But, once I have lost control of my emotions that is pretty much it for the day.
For some odd reason, today, the punches just didn’t stop coming. Emotionally exhausted, I call my sister for some pertinent info on my mom’s medications. My mom who Is only 55, has early Alzheimer’s, today my sister let me know they are doubling her dosage of her Aricept prescription, my mother is no longer improving on her old dosage. Most people would just say, just spend time with her, have the kids spend time with her so that you can get that time in before it is too late.
Sadly, this is not an option for my family because my mom is over 3600 miles away in the USA. I watched my grandmother’s mind deteriorate in her late 60’s and early 70’s. I had the chance to get my time with her; we always knew this was a possibility with my mom, due to her own history of traumas and psych issues. The only thing is, I thought I would be there for this. I thought there was more time and there is nothing I can do about it from Bolivia.
Do you know that feeling where you have no control over what is happening in your life? Like no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, it’s always wrong? Yeah, story of my life.
The last 6+ years has been so mentally and physically demanding on me that I just want it to all go away. I just want my life back, I can’t get these years back that I have lost, my daughters still in the states are going to be 13 & 14 years old and I have missed out on all those years. My children have missed out on loving Aunts, Grandparents and Cousins. They missed out on the life we had planned, in the states. I have done this to keep my family together.
And as I prepare our waiver, I wonder how I am going to handle the next 6 months as we wait for an answer. The threads are wearing thin, life doesn’t just go on….sometimes it stops, and sometimes you lose sight of yourself in this process.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Don’t take the people whom you love nor the people that love you for granted. You never know when they will be out of reach, out of touch, or just gone.
Hopefully the next 6 years, will be different.